If you live in Kenosha, Wis., chances are you’re familiar with a local urban turkey that isn’t afraid to ruffle a few feathers: Carl.
He has over 5k followers on his Facebook, a viral song in his name, bumper stickers that read “I brake for Carl”, and he appears on yard signs throughout the community calling for him to run for sheriff and mayor.
He’s also found himself to be the target of dozens of police calls. As a result, we decided to hunt Carl down and get the inside snood straight from the Kenosha bird’s bill.
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A talk with Carl
Observer: Hi Carl, I’m with the Uptown Observer. Mind if I peck your brain for a minute?
Carl: Uh, sure, pluck away.
O: You’ve certainly carved your way into the hearts of Kenoshans. What made you decide to roost here?
C: I originally came here to study the culinary arts at Gateway; people always told me I’d make a fine meal when I grew up.
O: I can see why they might think that. So do you work as a chef?
Carl the Kenosha Turkey. Photo property of Daniel Thompson/The Uptown Observer.
C: No, while most restaurants were really eager to get me into their kitchens, I felt like I might lose my head in that line of work. I ended up taking a job with the city. It’s pretty great actually. I get to be outdoors all day monitoring traffic. Occasionally, I’ll do vehicle inspections and clean debris from the road.
O: So, uh, Carl, I saw a picture of you standing on top of a police cruiser the other day, care to explain what was going on?
C: Oh yeah, that … Truth is I’m a little embarrassed about that. I may have gotten a little too basted on White Claws and shots of Wild Turkey that day after work.
O: Happens to the best of usI’ve heard you’re also a talented musician, do you have any gigs coming up?
C: No. I briefly played percussion for the band Fowlmouth, but I had to hang up my drumsticks after I injured my wish bone.
O: So have you heard that song “the Ballad of Carl the Kenosha Turkey”?.
C: Yeah,(yawn) it’s OK … I’m not really into country music, I’m more of a hip trot fan, ever heard of Cardi T?
O: Do you mean Cardi B?
C: No birdbrain, Cardi T. She’s got that one song that goes “certified beak, 7 days a week. plump and juicy, make that gravy game weak” …
O: Oh yeah, that one’s a banger, speaking of gravy, what are your plans for Thanksgiving this year?
C: You know, it’s kind of crazy. This year I’ve had dozens of different families reach out to me saying that they have a place for me at their table, but I’ll probably just go visit my mom with my brother Jake.
O: That sounds nice. Will your father be there as well?
C: Sadly, no. He went for a hike at Bong last fall and never returned.
O: I’m sorry to hear that. So what’s your favorite thing to eat on Thanksgiving?
C: I literally gobble up stuffing until it’s coming out of my rear.
O: I’m sure you do … So, is there a special “someone” in your life?
C: Not at the moment, I mean the hens have been filling up my inbox, but most of them are butterballs. (I’m) not gonna lie; I’m partial to the girls with large breasts and thighs, and chicks love a tom with a beard and a “dad plumage”, but I’m still waiting for the right lady to make my feathers stand up.
O: Maybe I can be your wingman?
C:…
Note: It was at that moment a police cruiser pulled up with the lights flashing.
O: Oh dear Carl, I think the law is after you once again.
C: No bro, they’re here for you.
O:?
C: You’ve been standing in the street for 10 minutes clucking out cheesy puns to a turkey; the neighbors are concerned.
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